This is one of the newer lessons and toughest. I am a procrastinator at heart and committing to things in general hasn’t really been the way I go about. Over the past 8 months i have committed myself to a lot of good things. Naturally, its taken me a while to realize but I have no intentions of letting these things go. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is just as eager to start our lives together and continue on this road as I am. I have been constantly writing, like I’ve always wanted. And I have committed, most importantly, to just letting things go. So it is true, if you want to do something and you find yourself getting distracted: stop thinking about it, just do it. Force yourself to do it and go through with whatever it may be. You’ll be happier for it.
I live in a small town where I see my exes of all sorts: ex-boyfriends and ex- friends, and the worst, ex-best friends. Ya know? Those people you trusted with your secrets and you were once connected at the hip with at some point, the people who dropped everything for you no matter the time of day and vice versa. It’s tough dealing with seeing these people around daily and passing by there homes only because it’s on the way to work or college and you can’t stop the memories that flood in….that one best friend I had, I wish I could take back my secrets or just make up with them and try again, but that person doesn’t want anything to do with me and it doesn’t seem they’ll change their mind. It just cuts deep to see them around town and not be on good terms at least. But I remind myself everyday that I won’t be here forever, that one day I’ll be living my dream unlike all my sorts of exes who will probably live in this town forever. And it helps the time go by a bit easier and faster knowing that I’m figuring it out. Even though it’s difficult to move on from something when you’re faced with it constantly, I’m figuring it out. :)
i’m not one to advocate talking to people who hurt you, but i tried something and it made me feel really different.
So, ambition is creeping up in my soul. The need to make something of myself, of my life is growing. It’s growing fast and I need to be on that road that brings me to success. Not just money and suits either. I just need to be a happy person, surrounded by other happy people and that drive to keep learning from life and be better. Even if I completely screw up, I want to be happy and keep that drive. Without that, I am nothing. That is my goal from now on, be happy and keep that drive.
I wish to know what to do
when the stars lose their spark -
where to go after i find the courage
to take a left on Lonely Avenue -
when all the bread crumbs, the famished
birds have eagerly eaten, will i find
the fruit of confidence the tongueless
scarecrow has promised —
will i find love ( him ) after i learn
how to kiss the hand that caused
each throbbing scar?
A little over a year ago, I tried to join the Military. I ended up completely failing at it and as a result, nothing is the same. I’ve come to terms with the fact that alot of the people who are closest to me will never understand the intensity of what I went through. There has been everything from disappointment and hate to total ostracism from everyone, except a small group of people who went through the same thing. But as far as everybody elses views go, my experience was nothing. Yet to me, that experience is what changed me forever. I am so much more aware of everything I do in my life now, and I will always live with fear of judgment and I will always be pointed out as different no matter what, I am the one who failed. The mental crap I went through, I believe, deserves some respect and acknowledgement, possibly even acceptance but I figured out in a world like now, acceptance is asking for too much. Sad but true. I can’t begin to successfully express the events that happened to bring me to this place, but I can express the fact that I can never again be the same as before. In some ways that’s good, but in most, it’s lonesome.
Sometimes it feels as if nothing is going right and everything is doomed. Don’t let yourself feel that way. The leaves are changing this time of year, change with them. Yesterday the leaves were all green, today they’re orange, yellow, and red. The world changes all the time. It makes sense to change with it. When you’re thinking about giving up, change into something better. There’s not enough time to try to change events that have already passed. Adapt yourself to take the best out of whatever situation you’re in, good or bad. Adapt and change, because the world isn’t going to stay the same for you.
Life: That thing that we all live. Good things happen, bad things happen. Some of us stick around for life, some of us leave it too early.
Life: It’s painful, beautiful, stressful, and fun.
I find myself realizing new things about living all the time and I wonder how many epiphanies can one person have and is it healthy? Well I don’t really have an answer to that but I do know that this is my time. From this moment on, I’m making things happen. I’m not going to fall into old habits or dwell on the past any longer. I’m moving on from everything bad, living with everything good and completely reinventing myself….again. This time around, things are changing for good. This time around I know what self-respect is and I got it. Things are changing. Life may not always be good, but I’m going to do everything I have to make it good.